Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
