I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My cat gives me a boner
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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