rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
