oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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