I met the friendliest cop last night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
