Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
