Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
