I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
