ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
