Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
handjob tips. give me some.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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