Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
