Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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