hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
