I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
