i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
