I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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