Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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