don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
