He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize