god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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