how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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