I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
handjob tips. give me some.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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