Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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