My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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