oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize