remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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