im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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