I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
