I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
