Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
