I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
