WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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