If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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