my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
