I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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