I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
