pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
