What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
