i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
did i walk over a car last night?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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