I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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