I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize