hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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