im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
