i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
