I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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