i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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