Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
