stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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