I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
