Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
