i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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