so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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