The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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