omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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