I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
