y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
