I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize