I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
