at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
