Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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