I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
