Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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