This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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