My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
