the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
