I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
third nipple confirmed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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