I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
