I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
