accomplished twins. life is a go
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
