he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
