i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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