You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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