Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
