i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
