i think i have two assholes
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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