and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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