just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
