At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
this hospital has no fireball
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
