and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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