Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
